Isn't it crazy?! Here I am, complaining about looking like this now at 31:
It makes me so angry that Im so hard on myself. Believe it or not, I feel fatter now than I ever did when I was a very big girl. I'm way more critical towards myself. When I was bigger and younger, it didn't take much to see results very quickly. Now I'm busting my tail with more patience than ever and results are slower than ever. I feel bad about saying this, but I needed this ego boost. I need to stop being so mean to myself! If someone else talked to me the way I talk to myself, I'd set them on fire and eat them like a stack of country style ribs. I'm constantly standing in front of the mirror reminding myself that the reflection I see is not as grotesque, embarrassing, shameful, or hideous as I tell myself. Nobody is going to die from seeing the slowly decreasing dimples on my thighs! After each routine, I always look in the mirror to put myself in check. Today I caught myself talking down my progress, 'Great, now my thighs look like they're on backwards...and after all of this hard work.' I quickly scolded myself for shaming my progress. This is the way my body is supposed to look! My body is getting stronger and more toned. It's not about looks; its about health. For some reason, the ants or misquitoes or whatever just love tearing up my legs. I cant even be proud of my toned legs with all these eraser-sized red spots.
I thought exercise was supposed to release endorphins and therefore make you happier. I dont feel happier. Actually, its a little stressful having to debate over and over why I should go to public events when I'm...let's be honest, extremely anti-social. I don't want to sweat or pant in front of strangers, but I do want to try other forms of exercise. I want to share this wonderful thing with my acquaintances, but the idea of dripping sweat in front of a friend horrifies me like you wouldn't believe. What if I stink? What if Im much weaker than them? I know that I'm very small and therefore obviously weaker than those who are bigger than me and that I do stink when I sweat. People on my Facebook are really helpful with sharing how they're exercising and losing weight. I'm not losing anything, but this isn't a competition. I promised myself I'd put on weight in muscle, but I haven't gotten there yet and that's not something a woman can brag about. It's like when someone gets a new set of curtains and I update my HVAC system. I've never been much for bragging anyway. Being afraid holds me back. Each week I pressure myself to join a public event. There's Reidsville's Zumba in the Square, bike riding in Bur-mil, the community walk at the park, ymca's weekly free day...I can come up with tons of excuses not to go. It's all just fear. One day, I'd like to let to of that fear and exercise as hard as I can in front of everyone. That's not a goal I'm ready to approach yet.
This journey has been a very emotional process for me. It's definitely going to take longer than a month. Throughout this goal, I have learned that "Permanent results take permanent changes." A month isn't enough time to learn all there is to exercising. I have built a cardio routine, which is a great first step. Now I'd like to add some abdominal exercises that aren't too cheesy or difficult. I can do 30 consecutive squats with no problem. I think it would be a good idea to do squats in between my machine usage. I could keep track with a check-in sheet like I do with my machines. See, there are so many branches of exercise to build on. There is so much to learn, practice, and build on. I couldn't even do one squat when I started, so maybe if I get really good at squats, crunches won't be so hard later on down the road. I do have a long way to go before I can call myself physically fit.
Nobody reads this blog, so it doesn't really matter if I make it last longer than a month. I can always change the description and keep going. Heck, I could lock it down so that only I can see it, but that defeats my future goal to stop being so afraid of exercising in public. I'm actually pretty interested in seeing how long I can keep my dedication to exercising every single day. It appeals to the nerdy scientific side of me. The kid actually did six minutes of treadmill today and he tried out my elltptical machine, so some good is coming out of this. I praised him to no end for doing 1.1 mph, "When I started, 1.3 mph made me lose my breath. Youre doing so well!" Every day, I ask him if he wants to exercise with me and today he accepted. I think it's best if I invite him after I'm done my routine so that I can do the elliptical and observe him on the treadmill. He leans forward a lot and hugs the front of the machine, so I have to keep correcting him. I love love love that my boy is willing to share cardio time with me. I don't care if he thinks I stink since it wasn't to long ago that I wiped his hiney lol.
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