When I went to my doctor, I always weighed about 120. I lied that I was 115 whenever someone asked me how much I weighed and they always said I didn't look 115. I assumed that 115 would be an ideal weight for me because I always felt that I could afford to lose a few pounds. I assumed that I didn't want to be a sickly-looking 108 again, but I did want to lose a few pounds and tone up. That's why I started this blog. Nobody actually pays me any mind, but when I write, I feel like maybe one day someone might. I have dreams of inspiring others with my writing. I imagine them smiling a little, nodding in agreement or approval, cringing as I describe a pain that they also know all too well...writing encourages me to keep at it for someone else even if nobody else is there right now. It also helps me to record my thoughts and reflect on my feelings later on down the road.
Every now and then, I would see small changes. I first noticed a curve in my shoulders. My forearms and calves started to have a shape...other than round of course. Scales scared me to bits, but I bought one anyway. I climbed on it once, saw that it read 118 pounds and thought, 'that's what my scale always says until the doctor's scale tells me I'm over a buck twenty.' When I came back from our trip to Maine, I was sure I laid on some major pounds or at least water weight. I mean, I spent the entire trip drinking 99% sodas and eating one sandwich a day. I actually spent the ride home chewing on a box of twinkles. I only weighed myself to confirm that I deserved a vigorous scolding. Much to my surprise, something magical happened:
I am now 110.5 pounds!
As I looked at the scale, the same scale that said 118 pounds not so long ago, I repositioned my feet to be sure they were both on the scale. I put my shoes on to make sure that they couldn't have weighed 6-7 pounds and if course they didn't. I was really happy. I ran over to my iPad and started to take a picture. Wait, the scale said 115 pounds. Was I too over exerted to see straight? It took me a whole minute to realize that the iPad obviously weighed a few pounds itself. Actually, according to the Apple website, my iPad weighs 5.1 pounds. That's just about right. I saved the picture anyway to remind my eager self of that adorable ditzy moment.
Ever since I saw that I have lost 9 pounds, I've felt like super hot snot. After all, that's 7% of my body weight. That's like 180 pound me losing 13 pounds. I did it in 4 months, so it's definitely healthy. I mean, if you consider how much muscle I've gained I've probably lost more than that, right? I am absolutely ecstatic that I'm literally back to my college weight and I certainly do not look sickly this time around. I'm eating more food in a day than I ate in three days when I was in college. Its so encouraging! I just want to run downstairs and weigh myself over and over to be sure its true. I actually weigh about two pounds less in the morning than I do at night, but still, anything under 115 is encouraging. I guess I'm going to have to stop lying that I'm 115 pounds now that I'm under 112. My new lie weight is now 110. That seems fair and feasible, 'I lost 5 pounds. I was 115, but now I'm 110.' Yeah, that'll work as I'm telling people I'm 27 on my 32nd birthday.
I am my very worst critic! I complain that my toned thighs look just like the fatty ones except backwards. I damn myself for any ounce of cellulite like it's not a genetic curse that plagues over 90% of women and quite a few men. I scold myself that 'any' carbs are bad because they're in everything, yet convince myself that dehydrating myself with caffiene is good because it boosts the metabolism. Instead of praise, I tell myself that I have a long way to go on my flabby tummy, baggy hips, and celluliscious thighs before I can call myself toned. I'm not even working out because I have no strength training.
Dear Self,
Your butt looks fabulous! Please remember those fat pocket that looked like an extra set of cheeks below each butt cheek and relish in the fact that they are no longer there. Take a second to enjoy that your upper legs are starting to show signs of conditioning, and that your breath is much less rapid when you move around. You know heads turn to look at you now a lot more often since you've been working at toning up. Your bf may not notice, but all of his friends sure do and he certainly notices that. If you can't enjoy the rewards of your hard work, at least enjoy when other people notice it. I know you want more from yourself (more routines, more diversity, more challenges), but you must be patient. You have about $300 left to pay on the elliptical and then I promise we'll get you something for strength training - a bow flex, universal gym, or maybe free weights. Show me you're dedicated and you'll get an investment towards that goal. You're doing a wonderful job, even if you don't see it.
Keep exercising even though it's hard and you've already surpassed your goal. Permanent results take permanent changes. Drink more water and eat less carbs! Enjoy your 5K in September.
Love you,
Me
When I was thin once upon a time I used to lie about 5-10 lbs under because of my boobs. I feel like boobs weigh a lot and you want to have boobs so they shouldn't count toward the weight loss goal! ;-)
ReplyDeleteI am very happy and I hope that you enjoy your workouts, eating all of the healthy food, and seeing the results that you seek! Right now I am 5 foot 4 and 231 lbs and if I could lose, like, 2.31 lbs in the next week I'd know I'm on the right track.